I like life to be predictable and yet I’m at a place right in my life where everything in my life is in upheaval. I have kids going off to college, my husband and I are a trying to decide if we’ll put down permanent roots in this new state and I want to try my hand at pursuing a secondary career.
It’s all very unnerving and a bit stressful. All of those what if’s cause me quite a bit of worry.
So why don’t I have faith?
It’s like this: I do and then…I don’t.
I’m human, and frankly, sometimes, my faith in God and how I’m feeling in the midst of challenges are two separate issues.
Spiritually I know God is good. I never doubt that. In fact, my life is a complete testimony to God’s love, grace, mercy, provision and tons of forgiveness.
But emotionally I’m still just a human. I struggle to fight back my worries and fears. I struggle with needing patience and focusing my eyes on God instead of my circumstances. I struggle with resting and being still while I wait.
I definitely have issues with waiting. J
I’m one of those people who maps out where she’s going and the best route to get there, days before I even am scheduled to leave. But now, I’m in a stage of life where I simply do not even have a clue what my destination is, let alone, trying to figure out how in the world I’m gonna get there.
110% at a loss.
And that, my dear friend, completely sets me on edge. I don’t like feeling at a loss and vulnerable. I don’t like to wait and pursue God instead of a goal.
Did I really type that last sentence?
Can I admit that I wasn’t expecting that sentence to come out as I typed?
I was planning on writing something else and look what happened…the truth popped out.
I guess I want God in my life on my terms especially now, in this moment of my life, when I’m constantly living in limbo-land.
My own personal hopes, dreams and direction for my life are on hold.
And I don’t like it. Especially when it’s combined with the truth that I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m headed next.
These moments are unchartered territory for me. Up until this year, my life followed a very traditional route, “get married, buy a house, have children, raise the children and then….???”
To be honest I’ve never given one thought as to what came next.
So here I am. In a new state, with a new church, barely any friends, my kids are leaving home and, and…
And what? What comes next?
I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know. It’s a horribly uncomfortable feeling.
I want my life to matter. I want it to count. I want to live a life worth living.
So how do I make that happen? Do I fill my days with work and busyness? Nah…that leaves me feeling empty.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job. But as we all know, there’s more to life than work. So what is it?
I’m sure many of you might be thinking, “Oh stop your whining.” And you’d be right. There is a small bit of whining happening, but mostly frustration. Simply because I do realize that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So while I’m on this earth I sincerely want my life to matter. I want it to matter to me, to my family and to my future generations and to those to whom God puts in my life.
So I’m on the road to figuring it out. Me and God. We’re gonna do this life together.
Along the way, I need to remember to not be afraid and have faith. God is with me always.
“So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10
Blessings and Best Wishes,