I Am… Holding Onto You

Ever listen to a song that reaches into your soul and doesn’t let go?

“I Am” by Crowder is that song for me.

Each time a storm rages in my life, I listen to this song so as to be reminded that I can run to God, hold onto God and never let go.

But this morning it hit me.

I Am is the One holding me in the middle of the storm.

I am being held by the Great I Am.

Ugh! That spearheaded my soul like no other truth.

Sure, it should’ve been obvious. A big “duh” moment for me. But sometimes, I think it’s about perspective and how I relate to God.

Up until this moment I guess I always viewed my relationship with God as me, chasing Him. Me, trying to please God. I thought I was the one doing the holding. In fact, the image that always comes to mind when I listen to this song, is that of the woman with the bleeding disease found in Luke 8:43-48.

For 12 long years this woman sought doctors and different medicinal treatments to no avail. She was an outcast in her community. Shunned by those close to her.

Then came Jesus.

Her heart knew that all she needed was Jesus. To grasp hold of God, even in the smallest way, through the touching of His the hem would be enough.

Just one touch.

She fought the crowds, ignored the ridicule, with one goal in mind, Jesus.

On some level, this is how I see myself with Jesus. Me, in my desperation, during moments of chaos and storms, chasing after Him. Just like the woman in Luke 8, the goal is reaching Jesus.

Never in all my years of knowing Him, did it ever dawn on me that Jesus was already holding me. There wasn’t any need to chase. No panic needed. Instead, rest and security was His promise to me.

His efforts, not mine.

The Holy I Am was already aware of what I needed and able to give it.

Even now as I write this, tears flow.

The truth that God Himself would love me enough to hold me through the storms and beyond, is humbling. I didn’t have to chase Him. I didn’t have to fight crowds to be healed from the chaos of my life. I Am was already holding me.

I Am holding on to you
I Am holding on to you
In the middle of the storm
I Am holding on
I Am!”

This is the truth for each of us.

There is no need for us to feel like we’re the ones doing all the reaching out, God is already holding us in the palm of His hand. In fact, He promises in Romans 8:38-39 the following: “ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Today dear friend, I pray this truth sinks deep into our souls. May we accept His gift of being held in the middle of our storms so that we may rest in The Great I Am.

Until next time,

Blessings and best wishes,

Tears of Pain, a Song of Praise

“My mouth is filled with Your praise, declaring Your splendor all day long.” ~ Psalm 71:8

Yesterday morning as I was reading Psalm 71 I noticed a pattern of the psalmist crying out to God, begging God to rescue and him from the painful enemy attacks. Despite the heartache, despite waiting on God to change his circumstances, the psalmist sings praises to the Lord. Verse 15 says, “ My mouth will tell of your righteousness, of Your salvation all day long; though I know not its measure.

Which got me to thinking, how in the world is it possible to sing when I’m in pain?

The idea that in my pain I should sing out to the Lord had me baffled. Because let me be real here, when my world comes crashing down, I’m in full mode emotion. Tears, anger, frustration, fear, I’m just like the psalmist, crying out to God begging Him for protection and relief.

So the idea of a person praising God in the midst of suffering rolled around my thoughts much like a pair tennis shoes thrown in a dryer. Ka-thump, ka-thump, pain, prayer, praise…ka-thump, ka-thump, ka-thump, pain, prayer, praise.

I couldn’t shake the idea I was missing something God really wanted me to understand. Combining pain and praise did not make any sense.

These thoughts were still spinning the next day as I drove over to meet a friend for a walk. On my car stereo the playlist from my phone shuffled from one song to the next.

Traffic inched to a stop and this song came on. My breath caught and tears poured down my cheeks.

This song is the only one I truly have associated with my dad. As if it were happening right this moment, a memory of me as a 5 year old little girl standing in the backseat of my dad’s sky blue Buick with white vinyl seats as this song played.

I remember his left arm resting on the top of the rolled down window as he gripped the steering wheel with his right, his little pinky, where he wore a silver band tapped out the beat against the steering wheel.

The warm summer breeze filled the car right alongside of the melody. For me, this was heaven. Just me and daddy singin’ this song. Time stood still for 2.5 minutes, frozen in my mind’s eye, forever.

Precious, sweet moments of a little girl who thought her daddy was magical, god-like, invincible. Daddy was a mixture of John Wayne swagger and Elvis’ good looks. The combination made him larger than life and I thought there wasn’t anything he couldn’t do.

I was wrong.

He couldn’t beat death.

To hear this song for the first time since his death 9 months earlier brought a surge of pain so deep I couldn’t hold back the tears. This song reminded me instantly of what I’d tried to put out of my mind for the last 9 months.

Daddy was gone.

There’d be no more time spent sittting in the garage watching him rebuild a motorcycle engine. No more playing, “Name That Tune” every time a song came across the radio.

Death had taken my dad and left behind a chasm of pain so deep no amount of tears will ever fill it.

For a brief second as I was driving I honestly considered pulling over to just allow myself to cry. Flat out, bawl for the loss of my dad. Something I haven’t done since he passed.

The logical side of me shunned the thought of making my friend wait on me while I had a meltdown so I kept on driving and hitting the shuffle button. I was determined to find a song that would help change my frame of mind. I figured if one song could bring me to tears then certainly another could pull me out of the pain.

Then it hit me, wait a stinkin’ minute, isn’t that what the psalmist was talking about in Psalm 71?

I hit the shuffle button on my phone. I needed something to soothe my soul, take away the pain and make everything better.

Nothing fit the bill.

Not my favorite rockin’ 80’s music, not classical, not movie musicals, not even Christmas music. Every song left me feeling empty and worse than when daddy’s song played.

The psalmist said, “My lips will shout for you when I sing praise to You – I, whom you have redeemed.” Psalm 71:23

So there’s the key, songs of praise to God. Acknowledgement for what He alone has done in my life.

Time for more honesty, I didn’t want to sing praise music. I was knee-deep in heartbreak. It’s true this verse came to mind as I was crying over my dad, and I knew I should pull up my Praise and Worship music as the psalmist had done but, honestly, I just wanted the pain to stop.

I didn’t want an upbeat song, I wanted the memory of losing my dad and my deep heartache to stop.

I shuffled through dozens of songs and couldn’t find anything to fit the bill. Now I was beginning to feel worse than when I heard daddy’s song. Reliving my father’s death and the reality that nothing was taking the pain away amplified my hurt.

Finally, I gave in. I did it the psalmists’ way and I pulled up my Praise and Worship music. I found the one that spoke to my pain and to my acknowledgement of just how much I needed God and to His goodness.

Music is our way of singing to the Lord our thanksgiving for all that He has done in our lives. A way of remembering all that is freely given by way of His love for us.

In the end, by following the example of the psalmist, God took my pain and healed it with His love. A moment of desperation turned to praise.

My prayer for you is you will do the same. Only don’t do what I did. Don’t waste precious moments looking for songs that will gloss over your pain. looking for anything but praise to our Father to take away your pain. You will be sorely disappointed and hungry for healing until the moment you surrender your pain to Him and turn it over to praise for all that He has done in your life. He did so, for the love of you!

May we always be quick to turn our hearts and mouths to praise. Praise to our Father.

Until next time,

Blessings & Best Wishes,

Biscuits and Storms

One Sunday morning at a small southern church, the new pastor called on one of his older deacons to lead in the opening prayer. The deacon stood up, bowed his head and said, “Lord, I hate buttermilk.”

The pastor opened one eye and wondered where this was going. The deacon continued, “Lord, I hate lard.” Now the pastor was totally perplexed. The deacon continued, “Lord, I ain’t too crazy about plain flour. But if you mix ‘em all together and bake ‘em in a hot oven, I sure do love biscuits.”

Six weeks ago my husband and I were thinking life was beginning to settle down and we were starting to see glimpses of what empty-nesting would be like.  Our oldest son lived 2 hours away with a great job and apartment. Our youngest, while still living at home was making great strides in his job and after buying his first car was talking about moving out to go live with his brother. Together they surmised they’d be able to help one another with the rent, put some money in the bank and enjoy their days off, hiking, a hobby they both enjoyed.

Before that happened our youngest wanted to use the great insurance coverage from his job to get a quail egg sized lump removed from his wrist as it was beginning to bother him. Into the doctor’s he went, thinking as we all did that it was simply a water filled cyst.

Two x-rays and a biopsy later proved it was bone cancer.

Our worlds stopped.

Cancer is not a word anyone takes lightly. It’ll stop you in your tracks and cause your heart to sink to your stomach. While we moved forward with the surgery and radiation treatments, the storms of our lives continued to swell.

Our boys have always been close. So when our youngest was having his radiation it wasn’t a surprise to have our oldest come home to be with the family, as a way to support his brother. However, when 2 days turned into 4 and 4 into 6, we knew something wasn’t right. Our oldest was always dependable, spot on, never missed a day of work and so the extended visit set off alarm bells. He’d only been at his new job less than a year so the timing didn’t seem right.

When his dad took him out to lunch, we learned he’d lost his job. The company was downsizing and he, a new employee was part of the first wave of employees to be let go.

Suddenly the stressful look on his face when he’d come home a week earlier now made sense. Not only was he worried about his brother, he now didn’t have a job and bills were piling up fast. College financial lenders don’t care if you’re out of work, they still want to be paid.

As we were realing from the cancer diagnosis and the news of our oldest being unemployed, we were hit again with another wave of news, my husband was given 1 week by his employer to prove that after 12 years of service, whether or not that they should keep him. If he could come up with an arguably good case, they’d keep him. If not, he’d be out of a job.

A few days later as we were trying to wrap our brains around all that was happening, my mom called. She was on her way to stay for an undeterminable amount of time.

“Wait…what? Undetermined? Staying with us?” These were the words swirling around in my head as I tried to make sense of every wave of challenge that swept over us.

According to mom, the loss of my father last fall, left her feeling lonely and lost. She wanted to “get away” to help her think through her grief and figure out her next step in life.

As if that wasn’t enough, my husband’s father fell off a ladder and ended up in the emergency room. And…although this sounds a bit odd, even our poor little pup was thrown into the mix of chaos when she tore a ligament in her front leg.

Honestly, my husband and I got to the point where we didn’t want to answer the phone.

Seriously, what could happen next?

We didn’t want to know.

So here we have 1 son fighting off cancer, 1 son moving home because of job loss, my husband’s job on the line, my mother moving in with us, my father in law recovering from a fall and a hurt dog.

Seriously?!?

When in life does that all happen within a span of 8 days?

Apparently, God was/is making biscuits in the midst of the storms of our lives.

In and of themselves, each event was enough to knock us to our knees. They were painful and ugly challenges that we didn’t like or want in our lives.

To say the least, lots of prayers were said and tears shed.

Now here’s comes the tough part.

It takes a hot oven to make great biscuits.

Yet God is good and we trust Him.

Not our circumstances.

God alone.

This is the rock of truth we stand on. God’s ability. God’s promise. Not the storms.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.” ~ Romans 8:28

So let me ask you: how hard is it, in the middle of the storm, for you to trust God? Do you live in fear? Are you overwhelmed and pulled under by waves of life?

We certainly feel that way. These storms are not minor. These are life events that really “bake” your faith.

Will you join me in believing God’s promises for your life? Let us stand together, linking arms through the battles of life, knowing, trusting our God to keep His promises. Let us do so even when we are scared that the worse-case scenario may happen.

This is where our faith is tested and God is glorified. Through us, through our pain and ugly circumstances. Yes, He can and will remain God Almighty, our Protector, Provider, Counselor, Healer, Comforter. Yahweh. Jesus. Holy Spirit. Alpha and Omega. The Beginning and The End.

I believe there is a choice. One that is made when life is at its most difficult and it’s made deep down in our soul.

A choice that says, yes, my world is crumbling but God’s got this. He loves my kids, me, my husband, my extended family, all of us to the degree that He gave His only Son, Jesus so that we will forever be with Him.

Do you believe that?

Or will you choose to believe that God can’t keep His promises. That somehow our challenges, our pain is bigger than He is and that we must be the ones doing everything in our power to change our pain.

Now that’s hard stuff right there. Because honestly, don’t we all immediately go into survival mode when the life beats us down? We start looking to our own strength our own resolutions to get us out of the heat. But God wants us to look to Him. Rest in Him. Trust in Him, for all things at all times.

Trusting doesn’t mean there isn’t any pain. Trusting means you will choose to hold onto God, His word until He gets you through it all.

Trusting means that we believe what God says about who He is, who we are to Him and His ability to work in our lives in the midst of storms.

So then the question remains: Do you believe God will take the “the lard, the flour, the buttermilk” situations of your life and turn them into biscuits?”

I pray that you do.

Remember, above all…

Blessings and best wishes,

A Long Road

This season of my life has been hard. And when I say “season” I’m not talking about your typical varying months of spring, summer, fall and winter.  I’m talking about a soul season that so far, has lasted over three years.

When we moved from our home in central Oklahoma to upstate Washington, where rain is a constant companion, culture and environment are polar opposites and where my faith has been tested to its limits I didn’t think it would take me this long to adjust. After all, prior to our 11 year stint in Oklahoma we lived in Washington. So I was familiar with the weather, culture and vibe.

Returning to the PNW means I’ve been feeling like a fish out of water frantically gasping for water to breathe.  I’ve completely struggled to fit in, find friends and build a community. It’s not so easy when the culture here tends to be, as my brother-in-law calls it, “pleasant but aloof.”

Folks generally keep to themselves.

Not an easy temperament to understand for someone like myself who still talks to her childhood friends whose friendship spans 4 decades. The struggle to connect here has lead to a feeling of isolation. A feeling that you don’t quite fit in and no one really cares if you do. Something to do with folks generally being islands unto themselves.

Who knows…?

What I do know is that its been very difficult that past three years. We’ve moved from our family home, to a small rental. Sunshine vs. constant rain. A house full of kids to now only seeing our boys on occasion, our financial solvency, gone and my father, who was my symbol of strength has passed away, leaving a void that will never be filled.

Everything that was good and important and right in our worlds a few years ago, is gone. There’s no going back. No turning back the hands of time to the life we were living then, with one or two small exceptions. Our small family is still intact and I still love God.

I’m not sure what He’s up to in our lives. Why He brought us here or where we’ll go from this point forward. But I still believe He loves me and He has a plan for my life.

Which is why coming to terms that God has brought me back to the one place I never wanted to return. Afterall, how does one love God but feel so conflicted with His will? Aren’t they supposed to be the same? Loving God means everything makes sense?

Sometimes maybe. But for me in this situation. Nothing makes sense.

I want to go back to my old life.

My heart grieves..

I grieve for a time and place that can not be recaptured. I grieve over the loss of my father and his stability in my life. I miss heading down to my parents home, sitting on the back deck, talking about life and watching my kids and dogs play. 

I grieve over the loss of not having at least 6 teenage boys swimming out back in the pool, running into the kitchen to grab a hot pocket or pizza roll before cannon balling back into the pool, holding their food up high so as to not get it completely chlorine soaked. I grieve over friendly faces and folks holding the door open for one another and asking you how your day is.

I grieve over hot summer days, icy, winds-that’ll-blow-your-head-off-if-you-don’t-hold-onto-it winter days. I miss the conversations with neighbors at dusk while lightening bugs flicker and cicadas sing their evening song.

But this is where God has us.

I still haven’t grasped His plan for our lives. I struggle to understand why. Why take us from a home we loved, filled with happiness and fulfillment? Why bring us to a place so drastically different? Why take our lives, strip us of everything we knew and held dear and then bring us here?  Why?

Truth be told, I may never have a single answer to my questions, this side of heaven. I know and accept that. More importantly I know God is good even if I don’t necessarily agree with His will. I trust His plans are good even if what is happening is painful.

I also know it’s okay to grieve. It’s okay to question, be angry and frustrated at God and the situation. It’s okay to long for different days in the light of a new life so vastly different from the old.

Questioning gives us a chance to come to the Lord and ask, “why?” and to beg Him for His lead and to wait upon the Lord and to seek His face in the midst of pain. All of which will lend itself to soul growth and a deeper walk with the Lord.

Now more than ever before I recognize just how much I need the Lord. Never in my life have I ever felt so lost. So overwhelmed with a lack of direction, sorrow and confusion. I need Him and I am thankful for His love.

So as I continue to walk this long road, I seek Him.

Yes, there will be moments when I’ll grieve for my father and a life I once knew. But as days pass and God presents Himself in the midst of my pain, a new life filled with new blessings and hope will arise, of this I am certain. For the Lord always keeps His promises.

Psalm 116

I love the Lord because he hears my voice and my prayer for mercy. 2 Because he bends down to listen, I will pray as long as I have breath!Death wrapped its ropes around me; the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me. I saw only trouble and sorrow.Then I called on the name of the Lord: “Please, Lord, save me!”How kind the Lord is! How good he is! So merciful, this God of ours!The Lord protects those of childlike faith; I was facing death, and he saved me.Let my soul be at rest again, for the Lord has been good to me.”

My friend, I pray for you. No matter what road you are one, I pray for God’s hand to be upon you. May you know His love and guidance and may you trust in His will for your life. For He alone is good!

Until next time,

Blessings & best wishes,

Step Into The Valley Unafraid

During my prayer time today God led me to Ezekial 37, The Valley of Dry Bones.  Today, I believe God wanted to remind me that I am always walking in the Valley of Dry Bones.

We all are.

In every area of lives there are those who desperately need to hear the word of God.

I’m one of them.

Every day I need the refreshment of God’s promises of love, the reassurance He’ll never leave my side, that He’s right there in the thick of things in my  life and He’ll never, ever let me go.

I am a sinner. Plain and simple. I need Christ more today than I ever have. 

Each day brings forth its own set of challenges. Things that I cannot handle on my own. I have aging parents that live 1500 miles away and I’m helpless to meet their needs.

I have grown children who make decisions that make my stomach clench in knots and cause sleepless nights, soul exhaustion and plenty of gray hair!

I am surrounded by those who openly oppose the Lord and challenge me each time they see the cross I wear around my neck. It’s draining.

And yet, I truly believe that I am right where the good Lord wants me.

What about you? Do you feel so alone you might as well be in the Mojave Desert with the hot winds of isolation, the heat of fear pounding down, sapping every ounce of strength, leaving behind exhaustion and thirst for a better tomorrow?

Maybe you are so broken, tears no longer fall.

Friend – God is with you. He loves you.

Do you believe that truth?

God asks Ezekial, “Son of man, can these bones live?”  Ezekial answers, “O Sovereign Lord, only You know.”

Let me ask you, “Do you believe God can breathe life back into you?”

Lord only You know.

It’s not a matter of if,  it’s a matter of will He?

There are people, places, things in our lives that God may not revive or restore to us. Such as a toxic abusive relationship. Or maybe a great job was taken from you due to a company restructuring and the timing couldn’t be worse because your rent went up $200,  your child fell at school and busted his front teeth and needs $1000 worth of dental work and your car needs a new battery. Or what if your baby girl just lost her battle with leukemia, the funeral is set for Saturday and you don’t have the will to get out of bed or to run a comb through your hair because the pain is so deep, so raw, you can’t breathe.

Is God in those moments? Can God take our broken, dry bones and breathe life back into them again?

Only God knows if those barren places are where He will choose to open the gates of living, refreshing water of life.

Do you trust Him to do so? Or maybe an even bigger question is, do you trust Him not to? Neither answer is easy and yet, either way, trust is involved. I want to encourage you to step out of your pain, your fear, your worry and let God be God in your life.

Trust your heart to the Lord and then ask Him to keep His promises over you, to heal and protect you and to breathe the His holy healing breath over your life. It’s ok to ask. It’s ok to accept. It’s ok to be loved by the Father.

My prayer for you is that you would indeed call out to God and allow Him the opportunity to show His love for you.

You Are Loved By God!

Your friend in Christ Jesus,

Amy

Impossible Places – A Mighty God

I left for work on Wednesday morning knowing all I had to do was to get through the next 9 hours. Then I could finally take a long weekend off.

I was more than ready.

I shoved aside my exhaustion and kicked myself back into survival mode.

Maybe you know what that’s like. Going through the motions, no joy, no hope, with nothing more to give and the only way you’re making it through the day is by digging deep in your soul, slapping on a smile and counting the seconds until work is over and you can slump into the seat of your car so you can make your way home just to fall into bed.

Exhausted.

That was 1000% me Wednesday morning.

When my eyes popped open the next day I breathed in slowly. A bit hesitant to get excited about the upcoming time off.

With everyone still asleep in the house I pulled on my windbreaker and tennis shoes, leashed up my 2 pups and headed out for an early morning walk. Just me, God, my exhaustion and my 2 dogs.

As I walked, the realization that I had nowhere to go, no one to see and all the time in the day to do nothing began to seep into my soul. My normal break neck speed slowed. My mind began to accept I was truly on a hiatus and it was ok to let go of work, life and heartaches that had been building up.

Without warning my internal dialogue with the Lord shifted from frustrations and anger about my life, to, “Hey wait a minute, the trees are changing colors. It’s fall. I love fall. I don’t want to miss this, slow down and enjoy.”

I did.

With each step I took, I began to see and feel life.

Cool fall air filled my lungs and pulled the few wisps of hair I’d tucked behind my ears out from underneath my ballcap and tossed them to and fro across my cheeks.

I smiled.

This was my favorite time of year and I wasn’t missing it.

As I focused on the brilliant fall colors intermixed with the last green leaves of summer I tripped and almost face-planted on the sidewalk. When I looked to see what caught my foot I noticed a tree root system squeezed ever so tightly in between the cracks of the sidewalk, bursting forth and making itself known.

Impossible situations can lead to growth

It struck me then that the root was like my life at the moment. Despite the hardships, struggles, pain and pressures I was experiencing in my life, God in His infinite wisdom and love was providing a way for me to get through the tough times and still grow.

I needed to trip over that root and be reminded that God sees beneath the hard stuff of my life. He knows what takes us to our knees in heartache and He will use to create beauty.

What we see as impossible, God makes possible.

In fact, as I correlated the analogy of this trees root growing in impossible conditions and how God does the same in my life, I began to notice perfect impossibilities in the trees around me:

  • Sometimes the stripes of pain we endure mar our outward appearance but eventually will lead to beauty.
Marring stripes make for beautiful growth
  • The bumps and bruises of situational challenges cause us to have character and depth.
  • And even when we feel as if every hope is cut out of our life…
Life might cut you down but the foundation of God’s love is ever growing
But God’s love is ever growing us, even in the impossible places.

 God has the ability to take what looks to be dead and bring it back to life!

My friend, we serve a mighty God! A God who loves us so much that He absolutely refuses to leave us where we are.

Instead, whether we can see His hand in our lives, or if we’re completely blinded by the pain we are experiencing we can trust, like the root growing in impossible cemented conditions, God is a God of ever possible solutions and He will grow you in ways and in “soils” that you didn’t even think were possible.

My friend, there is hope in His love for us. God sees a way when we think all is lost and He will take our pain and create beauty out of our lives that we will not imagine or begin to understand until His work is done.

May God bless you today and show you just how precious you are to Him no matter what you are going through and where you are headed, God loves you!

No eye has seen, no ear has heart, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” 1 Corinthians 2:9 NIV

With love and blessings,

Amy

Have Faith

I’m on this road right now that has pulled me out of my norm.
I think it’s safe to say I’m afraid.
I like life to be predictable and yet I’m at a place right in my life where everything in my life is in upheaval. I have kids going off to college, my husband and I are a trying to decide if we’ll put down permanent roots in this new state and I want to try my hand at pursuing a secondary career.
It’s all very unnerving and a bit stressful. All of those what if’s cause me quite a bit of worry.
So why don’t I have faith?
It’s like this: I do and then…I don’t.
I’m human, and frankly, sometimes, my faith in God and how I’m feeling in the midst of challenges are two separate issues.
Spiritually I know God is good. I never doubt that. In fact, my life is a complete testimony to God’s love, grace, mercy, provision and tons of forgiveness.
But emotionally I’m still just a human. I struggle to fight back my worries and fears. I struggle with needing patience and focusing my eyes on God instead of my circumstances. I struggle with resting and being still while I wait.
I definitely have issues with waiting. J
I’m one of those people who maps out where she’s going and the best route to get there, days before I even am scheduled to leave. But now, I’m in a stage of life where I simply do not even have a clue what my destination is, let alone, trying to figure out how in the world I’m gonna get there.
I’m lost.
110% at a loss.
And that, my dear friend, completely sets me on edge. I don’t like feeling at a loss and vulnerable. I don’t like to wait and pursue God instead of a goal.
Wait…what?
Did I really type that last sentence?
I did.
Can I admit that I wasn’t expecting that sentence to come out as I typed?
I was planning on writing something else and look what happened…the truth popped out.
I guess I want God in my life on my terms especially now, in this moment of my life, when I’m constantly living in limbo-land.
My own personal hopes, dreams and direction for my life are on hold.
And I don’t like it. Especially when it’s combined with the truth that I haven’t the slightest idea where I’m headed next.
These moments are unchartered territory for me. Up until this year, my life followed a very traditional route, “get married, buy a house, have children, raise the children and then….???”
To be honest I’ve never given one thought as to what came next.
So here I am. In a new state, with a new church, barely any friends, my kids are leaving home and, and…
And what? What comes next?
I don’t know.
I honestly don’t know. It’s a horribly uncomfortable feeling.
I want my life to matter. I want it to count. I want to live a life worth living.
So how do I make that happen? Do I fill my days with work and busyness? Nah…that leaves me feeling empty.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job. But as we all know, there’s more to life than work. So what is it?
I’m sure many of you might be thinking, “Oh stop your whining.” And you’d be right. There is a small bit of whining happening, but mostly frustration. Simply because I do realize that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. So while I’m on this earth I sincerely want my life to matter. I want it to matter to me, to my family and to my future generations and to those to whom God puts in my life.
So I’m on the road to figuring it out. Me and God. We’re gonna do this life together.

Along the way, I need to remember to not be afraid and have faith. God is with me always.

“So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” ~ Isaiah 41:10

Blessings and Best Wishes,
Amy