Really Lord…Tomato Plants?

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I’d like to tell you about the goodness of God through the eyes of a newbie gardener.

Like many of you, because of the world we currently live in, I am planting a vegetable garden.

However, with thousands of folks trying to better prepare their pantries in case of a future rebound, plant starts are a bit scarce in these parts, even seeds are flying off the shelves.

But here’s the truth about God. He knows it all before anything ever happens in this world.

Including COVID.

I’m sure we all the felt a bit of anxiety with the news pounding out minute by minute fear. Stores shelves bare while there were mouths to feed.

As if COVID 19 wasn’t enough of a stressor in our lives, our adult sons trickled back home, bringing with them their own set of disappointments, fears and hungry bellies.

But by God’s grace our family saw the Lord’s incredible provision over and over.

Our family is in constant need of grace. We stumble in our walk with the Lord, sometimes falling completely flat on our face.

I say this to preface the story I’m about to share because I want to give God the glory for the blessings He chose to bestow on our little family. We didn’t deserve them. We didn’t earn them and we certainly needed His grace. For His love and provisions, we are changed and are forever grateful for these answered prayers that came in the shape of tomato plants.

Our small apartment did not lend itself to a garden plot so I turned to our neighborhood P-patch for gardening options. Honestly I didn’t hold out much hope of getting a garden plot because the growing season had already started and everything, I mean every plant start, seed packet was gone! Not a single green stem was to be found!

But… I prayed anyway, asking God to open up just 1 little garden spot.

How did He answer? The good Lord blessed us with 2!

Great! But what was I going to plant? Shelves were bare.

Seriously?! All I wanted were the staples: potatoes, tomatoes, green beans and maybe a zucchini plant.

I looked for weeks online and in every store, garden center and wholesaler in the area and couldn’t find anything, anywhere! I was about to give up when on a fluke, I walked into our local Co-Op and there, right by the front door were bushels of potato slips on sale! Amazing!

Trust me when I say, those little slips were in the ground immediately! But what about the other veggies I had hoped to plant; green beans, onions and tomatoes?

I prayed again. I figured “why not?” God heard my prayer about the potato slips, certainly He could hear my prayers for those too, right?

“Lord, can you please help? I’m guessing, 10 Roma plants will hopefully give us enough to can and get on our pantry shelves. Can you help Lord, there’s nothing anywhere.”

I waited.

Two weeks later, one of my residents family members ( I work in senior health care) stopped by the building to ask if anyone wanted tomato starts.

I jumped with glee!

“Absolutely I do!” I told her. A few days later, she stopped by with 2 huge crates full of tomato starts for our residents to plant in the community garden and for anyone else who wanted them.

Want to guess how many I was gifted?

Yep, 10!

Wanna take a guess as to which type?

Yep, Roma’s!

I tell y’all, God is so good and God does good.

Even when we are freaking out because an invisible giant hits our lives and threatens our very health and well-being. God is still good. Even down to tomatoes.

There isn’t anything God doesn’t already know about us and our hearts. He’s just waiting to hear from us.

What have I learned?

I needed to be more like the ants. Proverbs 6:6-11 tells us this, ” 6 Go to the ant, you sluggard; consider its ways and be wise! 7 It has no commander, no overseer or ruler, 8 yet it stores its provisions in summer and gathers its food at harvest. 9 How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep? 10 A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— 11 and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man. “

I’ll be the first to admit I don’t like being called a sluggard. But I was. I am.

I had taken for granted all of the conveniences around me, grocery stores open 24/7, restaurants at my disposal, every amenity I needed was close at hand.and I had gotten lazy because of the misnomer that I had a safety net for those “just in case” moments.

But thanks to COVID I realized just how much of a sluggard I really was!

I’ll admit, our family wasn’t prepared for the long-term emergency that caused world wide panic and depletion of everyday living supplies.

Through it all, God is teaching me that He provides. He provides the security, provisions, health, joy, peace and even tomatoes if only we would take the time to seek Him. Maybe you were like me, scared that the reality of being unprepared would directly impact the well-being of your family. It did impact us on a very real level which has caused The Hubs and I to make changes in our lives on many levels. First of which is our walk with the Lord.

Ya know, I’ve been a Christian my entire life. I’ve loved God from the beginning, even before I started going to church. But what this pandemic has shown me, is that maybe it wasn’t only our cupboards that were bare.

My heart and walk with Christ were also lacking. Sure I read my bible and went to church regularly, but did I actually put what I was being taught into action on a daily basis and not just during emergencies?

I’m ashamed to admit that the answer was a no, I was a spiritual sluggard. Those tough questions helped me to see my walk with Christ differently. I needed to be like the ants not only in my physical life but more importantly in my walk with God. I needed to ask myself and lay my heart open for Christ to bring to light where there was an opportunity for growth.

How about you? What is it that you need to share with the Lord? What is it that wells up fear and discord in your heart? Is it a feeling of anxiety, worry, lacking?

Friend, whatever it is, let me encourage you to God and He will provide. Maybe it’ll be in the form of the next meal, the next bill paid or maybe the next step in your walk. Whatever it is that is weighing on you I want to encourage you to take some time alone with the Lord. He is faithful to hear us in small ways and in large, physical and spiritual.

May you find God to be an abundant provider and your life filled to overflowing with His blessings and love.

Until next time,

Blessings & best wishes,

The Goodness and Sovereignty of God

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This morning as I waited for our church’s online service to begin I scrolled through social media and one post in particular caught my eye because it mentioned God’s comfort for His people found in Isaiah 40.

In light of the COVID-19 virus and the high-alert we are living in at the moment, comfort seems to be in short supply lately.

Maybe that’s part of the problem. Our desire for our own comfort. In this day and age, our lives revolve around comfort. As I’m making dinner, I joke to my family about the commercials I see on tv because I am reminded that we are being programmed to believe it is our absolute right to sit on the couch, dial a number and wait to have, of all else, fast food, delivered to our doorstep.

Oh what a world we live in!

Convenience for convenience sake is mandatory.

Too tired to go through a drive-thru? No worries, push a button and 15 minutes later its at your doorstep.

Don’t want to lock your doors? That’s ok, an app connected to your home’s security system will do the trick.

What about cleaning? We’ve got you covered there too, a little programming and voila! your robotic sweeper will get your dust bunnies out the door before you ever step foot inside your home.

We are a people that demands ease. We crave it. We live for it. And frankly, I’m not so sure many of us really know how to live without it.

So when a pandemic hits out lives, our comfort is disrupted and complete chaos ensues.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against apps or programs that aid in our existence. But not to the extent that we forget who God is or worse, start believing that we are our own god. The captain of our own lives without recourse or accountability.

Yet, that’s where I think that’s the road we’re walking.

I for one, don’t want to join the masses.

Not joining in the crowds doesn’t mean my life isn’t effected by pain, heartache and viral pandemics. It is.

In fact, I work for a senior living, so yes, I’ve been living, working and navigating quarantines, fear-riddled residents and fielding nervous family members on how and what our facility is doing to keep everyone safe, all the while, washing my hands, sanitizing every surface and screening every delivery person that comes to the door.

And yet, I find myself at peace.

How is that possible? where does my comfort, peace and thanksgiving come from?

Only One. Jesus.

In fact, as I turned the pages of my bible to Isaiah 40, one verse in particular resonated with me this morning, Isaiah 40:11, “He tends His flock like a shepherd, He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”

Now maybe it’s because I am a momma and I love how we are told God carries us close to His heart. There is something so tender about these verses and knowing that God, in His infinite love, grace and wisdom, holds us, reminds me that we are loved by God the Father.

The imagery this verse conjures, for me is sweet, precious and tender. A gentle reminder that God is caring for us always. That He loves us so much that He tends to our needs, protecting us from danger, showing us the way to walk through this life in safety and trust in Him.

I am humbled to know that God carries me close to His heart. Just like a momma with her child, God is ever mindful of our every need and quick to provide.

Today I want to leave you with that image and His words of truth and promise.

We serve a mighty God. Our everlasting Savior and loving Shepherd looks out for us, now in this distressing time and always.

So dear friends, my prayer is this, may you rest in the arms of your Lord and Savior. Trust that He will carry you, lead you and provide for you as only He can because He knows you so well.

Until next time,
I am praying for you,

Center Of Your Life

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We lived in Oklahoma for a dozen years. I absolutely loved that state!

The people were welcoming. The down home food made me feel like my grandma made it and the landscape was beautiful in its own right. Gentle rolling hills. Rocky crags to hike and climb and let’s not forget the weather.

For a mid-western born and raised gal, I loved the 4 seasons Oklahoma’s weather blasted at us. Yes, blasted. Nothing came at you sweet and easy. In Oklahoma, we’d tease, “You better hold on, it’s gonna be a bumpy ride!” When storm fronts would roll in.

The rain came down in sheets and pelt your windshield so hard, you’d have to pull over otherwise you’d risk hitting something, a car, a cement barrier, telephone pole, cattle. Yes, cattle. Trust me on this one.

And oh! The hail. Ugh! Don’t ever ask my husband about the damage done to his car one night when tornado warnings flashed in the area and he drove across town to pick up our youngest who was finishing a hockey practice. Let’s just say, after the golf ball sized hail pummeled his car for the 6 mile round trip to and from the hockey rink, his car looked like we’d drug it out of a junk yard! I think that was the first time I’ve seen a grown man cry!

Let’s not forget the winds. Oh mercy me! When the winds would whip across the plains my mom would joke that “they’d take your head off if you didn’t hold tight.” Seriously, 60-70mph winds would tear through the area causing flag poles to become spikes crashing through trees.

All this to say, that Oklahoma weather isn’t for the weak. We had crazy hot melt-your-brains summer temps. In the 100’s y’all! 100+’s!! One summer I thought we were all gonna start growing scales and turn into lizards, it got so hot! No kidding!

Needless to say, you’ve got to be prepared for whatever comes your way. Lots of protection, forethought, undercover parking is a must and plenty of air conditioning and heated seating, because yes, we had ice storms too!

I bring all of this up because this morning as I was reading Proverbs 7:2 ” Keep my commands and live, and guard my instructions as you would the pupil of your eye.”

I thought about living in Oklahoma’s harsh weather. We all know what it feels like to get an eyelash, or a piece of dust in our eye. But what if a sharp object comes flying at your eye during a stormy season, then what? What do we do to protect our sight?

See the analogy I thought of is that there are stormy seasons in our lives. Times when chaos is whipping through our lives. What then? How do we guard our thoughts, minds and hearts when life is unexpectedly painful?

I think this small verse reminds me to always be on guard.

I use to joke that the weather channel was a big deal in Oklahoma. Well it is! And so is the channel of our hearts. We need to always stay tuned to God’s word in preparation for whatever comes our way. Just like we keep a pair of sunglasses or a rain jacket or a snow shovel handy “just in case” its needed.

Preparation is key. We never know when life will take a turn for the worse. When a storm will show up, with winds of heartache shooting their painful debris into our lives.

God call us to…“keep His commands, live and guard His instructions.”

How do we make that happen in our lives? Oh that’s easy sisters. Spend time with God. In His Word. Daily. Hourly. Moment-by-moment. Make Christ your priority over everything else in your life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah I know. That’s opposite of what we’re told. Society tells us that we’re to be #1. Do our own thing. Make our own decisions. But how many times can you admit that a storm has whipped through your life and caught you completely unprepared and you crumbled? It’s happened to me more times than I care to admit.

But you see, God says just the opposite of society. God calls us to Himself. He invites us to spend time with Him, to know Him and to love Him with our hearts, souls and minds.

In doing so, it is God’s guarantee that when the storms of life hit our lives, and they will…we will be fully prepared. We won’t be left out in the cold, the hail, the pelting rain, the heat of our lives, alone. God is with us.

So dress accordingly ladies, there are bound to be stormy days ahead. Grab your bible, talk to God, share your heart and know the good Lord will see you through every single storm.

I’m praying for you sister. As always,

Blessings & best wishes,

A Place For Us

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Last week during worship we sang Hillsong’s “Who You Say I Am”.

As my heart settled into worship the words washed over me until the following verse caught my attention, “In my Father’s house there’s a place for me. I’m a child of God, yes I am.”

For most of my life I’ve lived under the cloud of not being enough, never fitting in and always living life on the outside. I’ve lived under the shroud of lies that has permeated my life like a slow release poison, tainting every area of my life.

The proverbial black sheep.

But the more I dig into my relationship with God, I can call a lie a lie.

God has a place for me. I have and always will have a place in His home.

Full acceptance.

How often does that happen in our lives?

I know my husband and kids love me. But I also I know that as much as I feel the same way about my family, I know despite my best intentions I hurt and disappoint them. Not so with God.

I don’t have to live up to anyone’s expectations or demands.

With God, I can simply be me.

There’s no striving, working hard for approval or tip-toeing around Him because I’ve made a mistake.

I am enough, just as I am. The Lord made me, knew me before I was ever born and His Son Jesus died for the love of me.

There’s a place for me, in my Father’s house.

I love those words of promise. They help to heal the brokenness left behind by my own earthly father.

Yes, I loved my earthly father, I’ve shared in earlier stories that I was a daddy’s girl. But for as much as I loved him, too often I was met with words of criticism. Words that left no doubt that I’d disappointed him in some way.

For instance, I remember on my high school graduation night, I was so excited. I had worked hard, won many achievements and was thrilled to be walking across the stage to grab my diploma and embrace the next step in my future. I was so proud.

I turned to my dad in my excitement and said, “I can’t wait to walk across that stage!”

My dad’s response, with a stoic look on his face was, “Ya know, if you’d only worked harder you could’ve been valedictorian.”

I was devastated.

I had studied so hard in my pre-med classes, struggled just to get a passing grade in math class and worked tirelessly to earn seating in the top 3% of my class.

For nothing. My dad was ashamed of me.

Now maybe in his own way, he was trying to say that he thought I was capable of more. And maybe he wanted more for me. I don’t know.

What I do know is that in those brief moments I went from feeling proud, excited and happy to worthless.

For years, I tried so hard to win his approval, garner his blessing with the choices, directions and steps I was taking in my life, only to hear over and over the same sentiment, “Amy, you’re not good enough.”

Breaking free from those lies has taken a lot of effort. You see, folks can tell you that you’re wonderful, but deep down, there’s little voice that condemns, ridicules and laughs at you each time you try to believe otherwise.

Until God steps in and changes things.

I’ve been walking with God my entire life. So you’d think that His promises would’ve broken the chains of lies years ago. Maybe they should have. I don’t think I was willing to accept His truth, out of fear and doubt that they were for me.

It wasn’t until I lost my dad last year, was I able to really hear God’s truth about my life.

Sometimes those we love the most are the ones who either intentionally or unintentionally hurt us the worst. Their words, innuendos, sarcasm can leave lasting scars that I believe only God can truly heal.

We don’t have to stay in the past, repeating the lies in our minds and hearts, making it a mantra that should never be placed on us.

Instead we can choose to listen, embrace and accept God’s truth.

We are loved by our Holy precious Father. We have a place in His house, with Him. Forever. In His eyes, we are His beloved children, washed clean from sin because of His son Jesus.

I want to encourage you to really listen to the words of this song, let them sink deep into your soul, healing it from any lies you were told and making room for the truth that there is a place for you in your Father’s house.

Until next time friend, you are loved by God.

Dream A Little Dream

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This afternoon I rushed home, eager to change into comfy athletic gear and take our dogs out for a walk. The past few weeks with its endless dreary rainy overcast days and a flu virus quarantine at the assisted living community where I work, left me feeling worn down and in much need of a serious dose of Vitamin D and fresh air.

Lickety-split I was in my favorite Nike’s, headphones on and the pups were on their leashes and we were basking in the warmth of the sun.  As the dogs and I tooled around the neighborhood I pulled up my latest selection on Audible and hit play.

Christian author, Elizabeth George is one of my all-time favorites. Not having grown up with many godly influences in my life, I always listen intently to Mrs. George share her godly wisdom through her book, “A Woman After God’s Own Heart.”

As I listened while the dogs played, something Elizabeth said caught my ear, “Dream of being a woman’s after God’s own heart.”

Dream…?

Something about that word really piqued my curiosity and the little kid in me, rose to the surface as I tried to think of the last time I actually dreamed of anything. It had been way too long and just like my need for a little sunshine, dreaming, it would seem was something else I needed in my life.

In fact, the more I toyed with the idea of dreaming about being a woman after God’s heart felt like someone was asking me, “If you won the Mega-Bucks lotto what would you do?”

Well dear friends, that’s what so exciting about Elizabeth’s words of encouragement, we don’t have to wait until we hit the lotto or relocate or start a new job in order for things to change in our lives. We can be proactive, take stock of where we truly are in our walk with the Lord, in our marriage, our relationships with our children, friends and family and honestly ask ourselves, “where are we and what would we like to change.”

I think part of the reason I was am so excited these days is because I realized while walking that I was living on autopilot. I was so caught up in making a living, getting through the day, and just getting by, that I’d somehow stopped enjoying living. Life was mundane.

Routine.

Redundant.

Now that’s not to say I wasn’t grateful. A quick look over my life and I will be the first person to tell you that the good Lord has sought fit to bless this sinner with more forgiveness and grace than I’ll ever deserve.

But somewhere along the way I had forgotten how to live.

Here’s the deal, that list of to-do’s sucked the life out of me even affected my time with the Lord. It was stale. Boring. Blah.

Jesus warns us, saying, “I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm – neither hot nor cold- I am about to spit you out of my mouth.” Revelation3:15-16 (NIV)

There’s danger in becoming apathetic, in simply giving up and accepting a pasty relationship with God.

Now is the time for a little daydreaming.

Life could look different.

Once home from my walk and energized by Elizabeth’s words, I began asking myself how was I going to break this cycle of repetition and low-level boredom in my daily life and spiritual walk? What needed to change in my walk with Jesus? Which areas needed a good cobweb cleaning and which habits need to go into the emotional trashcan?

Almost immediately thoughts began to permeate my time with God.

I missed women’s bible studies.  I missed the comradery and accountability that comes from spending time with other God-centered women and ultimately the growth that comes from being in God’s word.

The church we attend is small and we don’t actually have a women’s ministry per se. But why should that stop me or any other woman who wants to draw closer to God? It shouldn’t.

Which then led my pen to paper to scratch out ideas on how I could start a group, invite others to participate and frankly get me out of my comfort zone and cause me to stretch and grow my faith with God.

Boo-ya! Within minutes ideas were flowing onto the pages of my journal and for once, in a very long time, I was excited about the possibilities.

Now the tough part…

In order to not fall prey to my old habits I needed to take action. Which led to more brainstorming, more journaling and a list of ways to help get this group off the ground, including researching a good bible study to offer, connecting with our Pastor to garner his support and of course, first and foremost, talking to God about this idea. I can’t wait to see where He takes these ideas!

How about you? Are there areas that have grown stale?

If so, I encourage you to grab a journal, find a quiet spot, pull out your bible and spend some time with God asking the tough questions of yourself and of Him. Share your heart and your daydreams.

Who knows us better than the good Lord above? Who wondrously made us and knows every hair on our head? He loves you and I and He waits to spend time with us.

May your time with the Lord bubble up new dreams for your life. Don’t settle for apathy. Don’t settle for being lukewarm. Get out there, talk to God and give those dreams a chance to take flight.

Until next time,

Jesus loves you!

I Am… Holding Onto You

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Ever listen to a song that reaches into your soul and doesn’t let go?

“I Am” by Crowder is that song for me.

Each time a storm rages in my life, I listen to this song so as to be reminded that I can run to God, hold onto God and never let go.

But this morning it hit me.

I Am is the One holding me in the middle of the storm.

I am being held by the Great I Am.

Ugh! That spearheaded my soul like no other truth.

Sure, it should’ve been obvious. A big “duh” moment for me. But sometimes, I think it’s about perspective and how I relate to God.

Up until this moment I guess I always viewed my relationship with God as me, chasing Him. Me, trying to please God. I thought I was the one doing the holding. In fact, the image that always comes to mind when I listen to this song, is that of the woman with the bleeding disease found in Luke 8:43-48.

For 12 long years this woman sought doctors and different medicinal treatments to no avail. She was an outcast in her community. Shunned by those close to her.

Then came Jesus.

Her heart knew that all she needed was Jesus. To grasp hold of God, even in the smallest way, through the touching of His the hem would be enough.

Just one touch.

She fought the crowds, ignored the ridicule, with one goal in mind, Jesus.

On some level, this is how I see myself with Jesus. Me, in my desperation, during moments of chaos and storms, chasing after Him. Just like the woman in Luke 8, the goal is reaching Jesus.

Never in all my years of knowing Him, did it ever dawn on me that Jesus was already holding me. There wasn’t any need to chase. No panic needed. Instead, rest and security was His promise to me.

His efforts, not mine.

The Holy I Am was already aware of what I needed and able to give it.

Even now as I write this, tears flow.

The truth that God Himself would love me enough to hold me through the storms and beyond, is humbling. I didn’t have to chase Him. I didn’t have to fight crowds to be healed from the chaos of my life. I Am was already holding me.

“I Am holding on to you
I Am holding on to you
In the middle of the storm
I Am holding on
I Am!”

This is the truth for each of us.

There is no need for us to feel like we’re the ones doing all the reaching out, God is already holding us in the palm of His hand. In fact, He promises in Romans 8:38-39 the following: “ For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels or demons, neither the present or the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Today dear friend, I pray this truth sinks deep into our souls. May we accept His gift of being held in the middle of our storms so that we may rest in The Great I Am.

Until next time,

Blessings and best wishes,

The Ones Left Behind

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At the time of this writing, it has been 9 months since my dad’s passing.

The shock, grief and disbelief that come in tsnami-sized emotional waves when losing a loved one are, at times, overwhelming. As daddy’s little girl, it’s almost impossible for me to accept that my father is gone and that I’ll never see him again this side of heaven.

For my mom, the emotions of losing her husband are astronomical. My folks were married for over 5 decades. Together, they raised us 4 kids, had 6 grandchildren, friends, extended family members and countless memories. They had each other to share life. But now that dad is gone and the emotions left behind threaten to block out even the happiest of days for her.

Nothing I or my siblings or her siblings say seems to bring comfort or change. She’s walking around in a fog so thick, I’m not sure if she will survive the overwhelming grief.

The “widowhood effect” is what researchers call the phenomenon of the increased risk of a widow(er) dying within the first 3 months after a spouse dies. Honestly, with each passing day, I’m not sure my mom is going to beat the odds.

I hate writing those words.

Just typing those words brings tears to my eyes. My heart breaks. My stomach knots.

I’m at a loss as to how to help my mom. This isn’t a life situation I know how to handle. If it were something as easy as buying or selling a house, updating banking accounts or finding new doctors, that I can do. But getting her through each day? How? What words of comfort can I share? What words of support and encouragement bring her strength?

Everyone in the family are doing what they can to help my mom manage her grief by helping her connect with a grief counselor, encouraging her to volunteer, help her look for a part time job. You name it, we’ve tried it.

The truth is, none of know what she’s feeling. We’ve never lost a spouse. One day I will or maybe my husband will. One of us will die. The one left behind, will try to pick up the pieces of the newly shattered life and do their best to make sense of it all.

I’ve taken to calling her in the morning before I head into work just to let her know that I’m thinking about her, worried about her; asking her what’s on her agenda in hopes of getting her to engage in life again.

Most days she answers with a few to-do items for her day. Errand that used to take a few short hours, now take her all day and at the end of the day, she’s exhausted. Spent.

The emptiness in her voice scares me most.

Mom goes through the motions of each day as a way to keep her mind from going back down the road of grief that threatens to completely engulf her.

So how do I help her? I don’t know. When we do talk she eventually breaks down in tears. I fight back my own tears. As an adult child to my surviving parent, I’m lost. How do I help my mom while I’m grieving myself?  Sure I can offer loads of information for grief counseling, ideas on how to get better sleep, encourage her to see her doctor, check on her, help with the confusing bureaucracy of the Social Security department or a million other ideas trying to get my mom to engage in the living portion of life.

As far as the faith element, for us, that’s a tricky situation. I must tread extremely carefully in this area. Our faith walks look vastly different and so, I must hedge this part of our conversation gingerly.

After one of our recent conversations, I could tell she was pacifying me. Giving me rote answers so as to appease me so as to not got too in depth on the topic we were having. Eventually the conversation moved on before we eventually said goodbye for the evening. When I hung up the phone, it hit me, she’s dying. She is really grieving herself to death.

Now let me follow up with that last sentence with the fact that I have worked in senior health care for the last decade and I know what it looks and sounds like when someone is giving up.

My fear is that I’m hearing it in my mom’s voice.

After I hung up the phone that night, I couldn’t get the hollow sound of her voice out of my head. Over and over, I could hear it. She was courting death. 

I spent that night and early hours of the next morning praying. Praying for my mom’s heart and her grief. Later that morning I called her and told her that I heard the sound of her giving up in her voice; she broke down and cried.

I told her, that for all of everyone’s best intentions, our hopes and words of encouragement to help her through this, none of us had a clue. None of us kids had lost a spouse. None of her siblings had lost a spouse. She was the first. She was alone in this pain. With one exception.

Christ.

Christ knew what it meant to feel deep sorrow. Christ understood what it meant to feel alone. Christ understood what it meant to grieve. Christ faced death.

Jesus gave His life for her sorrow and mine. He gave His life so that my mom, and everyone else would know just how much they are loved and that they never need to feel alone. God understands firsthand heartache, grief and death.

For this, I reminded my mom, she was not alone. Jesus is right there in the midst of her pain, every step of the way. Every moment of the day, every breath, every tear. 

As I stumble through my own grief and keep a keen eye on my mom, I am in constant prayer for us both, knowing that God loves His children. He waits for us to pour out our hearts to Him so He can carry us through the pain and into healing.

My prayer is that my mom will do just that. I pray through her pain she will reach out to the Lord, allow Him to heal her heart and show her His purpose and plan for her life. 

In the meantime, I pray He would also heal my heart and give me the heart to help my mom take each day as it is given.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

Until next time,

6 eggs and a dream

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It started in Oklahoma.

I must’ve been reading a homesteading, gardening, back-to-the-earth type blog when I knew I wanted chickens.

That was 4 years ago when a relocation from Oklahoma City to the Pacific pushed that dream to the back burner.

Dreams of a garden and raising chickens were gone like the northwestern sun in January. Replaced instead by the dreary rainy truth that I may not ever own my own home again and/or own chickens.

Painful life events happen forcing change.

But what about dreams? Hopes? A vision for a different life…do we simply give up? What about when we can’t see that it’ll ever come true, do we give up then?

When I realized getting back into our own place where we could settle in was on a temporary-could-be-full-time-permanent basis, I was madder than a wet hen, as they say.

I struggled with my anger. Vented my feelings to God and then in sheer exhaustion, gave up. I saw the road blocks we were facing as insurmountable; the life I had hoped for when we moved to the Pacific Northwest was gone.

Until, a friend asked me to chicken-sit her hens.

In a heartbeat I agreed.

Now you can say I let my emotions override my logic in this instance or maybe it was something close to lacking 20/20 vision, because as I was chicken-sitting those hens all I could see was what I had lost. I would lament over and over to The Hubs, “if we were still in Oklahoma I could have my own chickens.” (Not true, we lived in a HOA run suburban community that sneezed at the thought of chickens in the neighborhood, but I’m blind to my own truth at times.)

I continued whining, fussing, complaining.

My poor husband.

Poor God. He put up with all of my constant fussing too.

Fast forward a year, and this summer I was once again asked to chicken-sit only this time for 5 weeks. I jumped at the chance.

And then it hit me.

You’ve answered my prayers Lord.

Not in the way I had planned but in a better, more feasible way.

God provided Connie, a good friend from church who needed help chicken-sitting while she traveled to see grandkids.

I needed experience. Let’s face it. Wanting chickens and taking care of chickens are 2 entirely different things.

So God has given me an answer to my little dream.

Learning without owning.

My friend Connie is trusting, gracious, knowledgeable and so patient with me as I test out my own “wings” when it comes to chicken-sitting her “fluffy butts”.

I share all of this for a number of reasons:

  • God hears us and He cares about every little thing in our hearts. Yes, even chickens!
  • Sometimes God answers prayers in a different way than the way we asked.
  • Because of His love and provision I am able to take this opportunity to learn, grow, build a new friendship with Connie while taking care of a clutch of chickens.

God knows what we need/want even before we ask. So ask!

What may initially look like a “no” may actually be a “yes”.

Finally, can I share with you how humbled this makes me feel? To know that God, in His infinite wisdom, grace, love and provision, heard me?

When you compare my dream of owning chickens to curing cancer or world peace, it seems quite frivolous doesn’t it? But God still cares, He still hears us and He still answers.

So be on the lookout for answered and unanswered prayers, knowing God loves you and will always be working for your benefit.

Until next time,

Blessings and best wishes,

A Bird’s Eye View

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Generally speaking I’m like most folks who attend our small church and I sit in the main sanctuary. Then there are times like today when I sense the Lord urging me to be still.

As I entered church I felt the familiar tugging in my soul urging me to head upstairs to the quiet balcony.

The moment I climbed the last step and turned to look out at the birds eye view splayed before me, I was awestruck. Sun radiated through the side stained glass windows, speckling the blue carpet with shards of multi-colored shapes. The pew lined sanctuary with a deep center cut aisle seemed to echo the words, “enter in, enter in.”

I noticed my good friend Marne** manning the computer used to display the song lyrics on the big screens during worship.

Our small 5 person band finished their set as snippets of laughter and muted conversations wafted up to the balcony as guests slowly filed into the sanctuary.

Laughter, music, friendship, and a sovereign reverence filled the air.

Wanting to soak it all in, I settled into my seat, closed my eyes and offered up a prayer, asking God to open my heart and mind to what He wanted to share with me this morning.

Suddenly I heard the old worn pew creak as a body quietly sat down next to me. A look to my left revealed it was Marne, only this time, she looked forlorn.

I was a bit confused; moments earlier she was grinning ear to ear, her typical jovial self. Now, not so much. Something was definitely grieving her.

“What’s going on?”

Tears welled up in her eyes, “I don’t know why I think I can do this. I’m not very good at computers. This morning as I was trying to get all of the slides in order for today’s sermon, nothing worked. I couldn’t find a single song. I looked everywhere on the computer and I couldn’t find them. I don’t know why I bother.”

I tried my best to reassure her “Don’t be so hard on yourself. You always do a great job, It’ll all be OK. Remember, give yourself grace.”

Just as I said those words, our pastor came up and asked to see her at the computer board. As they worked quietly together I re-centered my thoughts back to why God had drawn me upstairs. Show me Lord, don’t let me miss a single thing you want to share.

A few minutes later Marne was back, only this time, her smile had returned. “Well, see there. It wasn’t me after all. I thought the reason I couldn’t find the songs was because I was too stupid to figure it out. But the pastor told me, he’d forgotten to download them.”

I shook my head, “See…I knew it would all work out.”

Tears sprang to her eyes again but she quickly wiped them away, “I know. I’m so hard on myself all at time.”

“I can be that way too.”

The band started playing which signaled the end of our conversation. We hugged quickly and Marne returned to the computer board and I headed to a small corner of the balcony to watch the activity below, unfold.

The band with its singers, ushers, communion servers and those standing to worship gathered together to bring their talents and gifts to the Lord as an act of worship.

As I mulled over my conversation with Marne, and watching people stand in worship it dawned on me, that none of us come to His sanctuary perfect. We’re all in need of His grace.

It’s in our hearts to give what we have, including our limits, as an offering to the One our soul loves, God Almighty.

As I watched the band rock out, encouraging the congregation to make a joyful noise, I started thinking about the interchange between my friend and I.

How often do we think we’re stupid? That our gifts are lame and that God wouldn’t accept them? As I pondered the thoughts, I watched my friend Jen** play the drums. Jen is self-taught and will quickly admit her struggles as a new drummer. Sometimes she is too slow, too upbeat or too loud.

Yet despite those issues, Jen, like Marne continue to bring their giftings into the the sanctuary of the Lord Almighty. A heartfelt act of worship.

Both of my friends, worry their inadequacies will be unacceptable in the sanctuary of our Lord.

It’s a lie!

Satan constantly whispers those types of lies in our ears, even in the sanctuary of our Lord, aiming to convince us that we are not enough.

But when the chief priests and the teachers of the law saw the wonderful things he did and the children shouting in the temple courts, “Hosanna to the Son of David,” they were indignant. “Do you hear what these children are saying?” they asked him. “Yes,” replied Jesus, “have you never read, “ ‘From the lips of children and infants you, Lord, have called forth your praise’?” ~ Matthew 21:15-16

Friend, I want you to know this, God created you, loves you and is blessed by your efforts. God knows your heart and accepts a sweet gift from you, His child, who entered into His sanctuary to praise Him,

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been singing for 30 years in the choir or have always served on the weekly meal ministry team. What matters is your heart. What is it you want to give to the Lord?

What’s the condition of your heart? Are you worried you are not enough? That God won’t accept your efforts? Or do you serve to get recognition?

It’s wise of us to sit and ask the Lord to bubble up the truth of our efforts. Let Him be the One to tell you “thank you” or “please re-examine your motives.” After all, isn’t He the One we came to praise? Haven’t we entered into His holy sanctuary?

Every single drummer, children’s ministry helper, usher, middle schooler who helps pass the collection plate and homeless man serving communion, they are precious in His sight.

That includes you!

Let me ask you this: What are you offering the Lord in praise? In thanksgiving?

Whatever it is, if freely and willingly offered up to the Lord in thanksgiving and praise, it is accepted. This gift can simply be you. Maybe you walked in the backdoor of the church with a bunch of strangers and you simply want to sit silently in prayer. Acceptable!

Maybe your heart leads you to work in the children’s ministry cutting out crafts. Acceptable! Whatever it is that God is leading you to do, remember, it is an act of worship. A gift to God!

Never accept the lie from satan that tries to prevent you from entering the Lord’s courts with thanksgivings and praise! He is worthy of your praise and you are loved by God Almighty!

1 Chronicles 16:23-31

“Sing to the Lord, all the earth; proclaim his salvation day after day. Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. For great is the Lord and most worthy of praise; he is to be feared above all gods. For all the gods of the nations are idols, but the Lord made the heavens. Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy are in his dwelling place. Ascribe to the Lord, all you families of nations, ascribe to the Lord glory and strength. Ascribe to the Lord the glory due his name;
    bring an offering and come before him. Worship the Lord in the splendor of his holiness. Tremble before him, all the earth! The world is firmly established; it cannot be moved. Let the heavens rejoice, let the earth be glad; let them say among the nations, “The Lord reigns!””

Until next time,

Know that you are loved by the Father,

**names have been changed to respect the privacy of those mentioned in the post**

Dinner For One

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A Reality Check For A Mom of Adult Children

Last night I had dinner by myself.

I understand what it is to work all day, come home, prepare a dinner for your family only to find yourself eating alone.

It’s not a good feeling.

No one prepares you for what it feels like to to have no one show up for dinner even when they’re at home.

Dinner time was family time. A time of togetherness and unity. It was also a time we said grace.

When the boys were younger we’d all gather together, hold hands, bow our heads and take turns thanking God for our blessings. This small act of family worship meant so much to me. To see my littles, talking to God, recognizing His blessings in their lives and hearing all of us give thanks brought a closeness that no sports activity or school event can ever offer.

But now, dinner time might as well be another form of a fast food restaurant. Sure the food is there and everyone comes and goes as they please. Our adult children no longer want to sit and talk, laugh and share and they certainly don’t want to talk about God.

What used to pull us together as a family, is now a measure of division. Rebellion has stirred in their hearts and they no longer want the same things they were taught as children.

In fact, they go out of their way to avoid family dinner time as a way to passively rebel against saying grace.

That truth breaks my heart to the depths of my soul.

Sure I understand what it is to break free from the way you were raised and want to create your own separate identity with morals and ideals, I was once in their shoes.

Now I walk in my parents shoes and they hurt.

It’s not that I want my adult children to sit down and confess their souls over a bowl of spaghetti. I miss our family dinners and having them join their dad and I in prayer.

As a mom, no one prepares you for this kind of loss.

Tonight I cried tears of grief as I cleaned up the dishes and turned off the kitchen light. The quiet was deafening. What was worse was the fact that my sons were upstairs. I knew they were hungry. I also knew they were avoiding that which convicted them the most, their rebellion.

Oh! How I miss our family dinners. I want our family to be a unit again, loving each other and loving God.

That’s not where we’re at, at the moment.

Yes I’m at a loss as to what do. My kids are adults, not kids. Sure we’ve talked about it and I’ve been given the list of excuses why they can’t come to the table, but we moms know, don’t we? We know when our kids are lying to us and to themselves.

That’s my reality.

My boys don’t join us for dinner because they are too busy justifying their rebellion against God in our home. They skip dinner and wait until I go to bed then they slink out of their rooms and grab something to eat.

It stinks.

So what’s a mom to do?

Don’t give up on your family.

Fight for your family in prayer.

I tell God about my hopes and wishes to bring our family back together, knowing He captures every single tear I shed and holds them tight.

Those boys are my heart and I miss them even though we’re under the same roof. I grieve over their rebellion. I pray even harder than my pain is deep, knowing that God has an incredible plan and purpose for them and that He, the God of the universe loves them. There isn’t a single breath they take or a hair on their head that He doesn’t know about.

So I keep on praying.

Yes I cry. Yes my heart breaks. But God…He is enough; for me, for my husband, for our sons. He brought this family together and through His grace and provision He is over our family.

In the meantime, I continue to make dinner in hopes that one day, they’ll pound down the steps, pull out a chair, grab me and daddy’s hand, bow their heads once again and thank the good Lord above for their blessings.

If my story rings true for you, please know that God knows your heart. How it hurts, how it wishes and hopes for a better day and just how much you love your family.

Let me encourage you to not give up. As they say, “keep on keeping on.” Keep on showing up, keep making those dinners, keep inviting your family to the table and keep on praying for God to heal and bless your family.

Remember dear friend,